Letter from the Touchline - 15th Sep 2005
Week One 3-1 to the ROMANS It was a shame I missed the season's opener against those Vixens - but after England's dismal performance against Ireland I was called away for a chat with the FA about next year's World Cup and what my movements were. But the team were left in the hands of supremo Martin Rayner who inspired them to a great season opening victory. Forget the Ashes - this was a victory more deserving of a parade around Trafalgar Square! Having been at training the previous week I could tell the players were biting at the bit to don their new look strip and CV Freight definitely know we're a team on the up with advertising now splashed across the front of the shirts. George and James Coe spent their one hour training time swapping stories about summer holidays - which meant come match day they could concentrate on trying to kick a ball. And it worked. In a revolutionary move George was moved back to play alongside James in defence. On paper this looked foolish, as here are two players who sometimes seem to think the ball is going to eat them alive if it comes near them. But once the whistle blew they laughed in the face of the Vixens attack. Even the over age girl who plays for the Vixens looked lost for ideas. Despite on-going questions about her age and validity, both her young children assured Martin that she was only nine, but eyebrows were raised again when she couldn't find her car keys after the game. But no matter how old, she was no match for that ever growing colossus of the football world Henry Shapland. Fully focused on kicking the leather off the ball, he backed up the dynamic defensive duo with skill, timing and concentration that has only been seen before when trying to train Josh's dog midway through last season. What a game he had. To get man-of-the-match when Jack got a hat-trick just shows how well he played. Jack was left asking "What do I have to do?" after scoring three goals, running the Vixens defence ragged and creating lots more chances. No doubt his confidence has grown with his beloved West Ham now in the Premiership? hopefully our season finishes before the Premiership does in case his form reflects that of the Hammers. But as for the moment his play drew comparison with that of Upton Park favourite Geoff Hurst - except Jack's hat-trick was against tougher opposition. 'Who was the new player in midfield?' was a question asked on the touchline. But it was Josh rampaging around the field. After a summer where he'd tied a football to his boot and even managed to keep his dad off the golf course, getting him to give him some tips he'd picked up watching Reading. Like how to kick a ball as far upfield as possible. And with Josh in midfield there was the Paula Radcliffe of the team. If Kristian ever stops playing football there's a career as a marathon runner waiting for him. He doesn't just cover every blade of grass, he covers each one three times over. He hits the wall about 35 minutes in to the game, but head bobbing, socks pulled up to his knees, he keeps going. After one of his long runs I'm just pleased those whitle lines are freshly painted or else he'd be in Bristol by now. Back in the goal was numero uno Cameron. Great to see the Cat back - but he just looked on in shock as he didn't recognise the six players in front of him as the same rabble who used to melt away like ice cream in the Sahara desert last season. It gave him time to reacquant himself with his hands after a summer in the outfield. I'm sure busier days are ahead for our old player of the year - but just for now let bask in our 3-1 victory and dream of that unbeaten season. This was undoubtedly why Sunday's AGM went so peacefully. Happy with the sweet taste of success the board got an easy ride, only a couple of unruly wolf whistles and calls for Rayner's head were heard from the third row - unfortunately they were led by his son. The bacon sandwiches were a nice touch by the Hurst PR machine as with there mouth full no one offered any objections to the dodgy financial report whereby the whole committee (if you read that very, very, small print) had all enjoyed three week holidays in Dubai this summer. Still they'll looked nice and tanned which will soon be washed away once the winter season really does kick in. ADIOS
Letter from the Touchline - 20th Sep 2005
ROMANS MARCH ON First of all let me tell you that news of my sacking are just evil rumours spread by the those blood thirsty journalists on the Hurst Village Newsletter and of course that gossip mill which is the Hurst Village Website. Just because I've missed the first two matches - which we just happened to win, one of them by a record scoreline - doesn't take in to account the weeks over the summer I've spent planning this winter season. And have I spent these weekends away sat on my rump watching television. Well yes - but that's work! However, during this time, I have also been taking in detailed scouting reports of future opponents, talking tactics hourly with our coaching staff and orcheastrating our on going campaign for world domination. Don't be fooled by that flash harry trainer from the upper divisions. That Martin Rayner with all his modern ideas. For goodness sake we don't need to know about 3-2-1 formations. We're not interested in over-lapping fullbacks, sweepers, playmakers, a midfield player sitting in the hole?. Oh no! We were brought up on the old adage of hunting in packs. Kick the ball as far upfield as possible and everyone chase it. Defence ? what's that! Midfield, isn't that in between mid-on and silly point on a cricket pitch! ?. And anyway, thanks to all MY hard work we're now second in the division after another win. Seven-nil as well! What a performance. What a team! Our old rallying Yaz war cry of 'Things can only get better' has been replaced by that Chic disco classic 'Good Times'. Three goals last week for Jack and five goals this week. Yes that's FIVE goals?. And he still didn't get man-of-the-match. I think he only gets that when he manages double figures. Jack is now camping in the opponents penalty area and starts getting a nose bleed if he has to come back past the half-way line ? this is unlike George who from being a lethal, dead-eyed, centre forward last season (scoring no goals and having no shots on target) has moved from midfield back to defence, before ending up in goal last Saturday. If he's moved any further back he'll be playing centre forward again - but for the team on the pitch behind us. Luckily, while in goal, he didn't distract James' defensive duties with talk of Lego Bionicle wars. But to be fair there is no way you can drag James off the white line that marks out the penalty area. In the last year James has made this line his own, never venturing off it. It's now his territory and 'thou shalt not pass'. His mum and dad have now drawn white lines around the floors in their house - as this is the only way they can get him to find his way to bed at night, and find the kitchen for his breakfast in the morning. The most improved player this season is no doubt Josh - this week's man-of-the-match. Must be the sun on his back that's now allowing him to roam the midfield as if he owns it. Gone are the days from last winter when he'd refuse to play unless he was wearing two vests, three t-shirts, a jumper, a fleece jacket and a hot water bottle under his team shirt. Once the winter winds start blowing we'll just have to keep him under a sun lamp for an hour or so before every match. Trying to keep his eyes open was the most tiring thing The Cat Cameron had to do in the first half - though at one point his jaw did start aching after all that yawning. But once we let him off his chain in the second half - and James let him pass his white line - Cameron sprinted up the other end to stick one in the back of the net. It's not every goalkeeper who can turn goalscorer. Only Kristian covers more ground than the Cat - and once again he ploughed furrow after furrow up the middle of the field. This week he was rewarded with the second goal of his career - remember the first ????? Aaaah, memories. Yes, that was last season when he banged home from 35 yards (it goes up one yard every week) our team's first ever goal after seven defeats and no goals - the joy and the tears as we all were swept away at the end of that match on a wave of happiness. That was except for Henry who was being dragged around Woodley by Josh's dog at that point. But Big H is now a 40 minute, full-match regular and enjoying being the boss in the middle of the field. He hasn't yet asked to be substituted after only five minutes of the match - and has only been kicking the ball on to the next pitch and not one of his opponents. Maybe he's saving that for this week when, you've guessed it, the real gaffer is back. Yes "Hello, Hello, I'm Back Again" - on second thoughts maybe I best not burst in to Gary Glitter songs or else those dirt digging journalists will have a field day - especially after this report was filled with talk of white lines. it only takes one of those paparazzi shots of me and Kate Moss to fuel Duncan Kendall's interest in the goings on in the Coe and Bentley houses on Lodge Road. And Martin Rayner's camera lens is just twitching at the moment so he can get that exclusive to advance his coaching career at other peoples expense. Always looking to stitch up a well respected, honest, sincere and mature member of the community. I suppose that means I'm safe for the time being at least! ADIOS
Letter from the Touchline - 6th October 2005
RAMBLINGS OF A MADMAN - OR ANOTHER QUIET DAY AT THE OFFICE No, I haven't been sulking just because the only match we have lost this season is the one I took charge of - and you all know I'm not one for making excuses... But let's just say Camberley turned up 10 minues late - which obvioulsy had a considerbale knock-on effect. The energy and nutrient levels in our pre-match meal (prepared by our dietican - The Mita Tandoori in Twyford), had worn off come the second-half - which explains the defence going to sleep for five minutes and leaking in three goals. (In fact it wasn't a leak, it was a deluge which not even the world's greatest plumber could have fixed). Our warm-up also had no effect - as with cold muscles it took until late in the second-half before hot-shot Jack found his scoring boots and smashed in two goals. Also the referee was obvioulsy off the pace by the time the match started - his mind more on getting down the Oracle to hang around with his mates - rather than seeing one of their goals being blatantly offside. So, if you take that in to account, we actually won 2-1! The board and chairman realised all the above - once I explained to them - and we are now in the process of writing to the league and amending the result... So I was happy to let Martin gain some more valuable experience last Saturday! As I have said before it's easy to coach a team full of Michael Owens, David Beckhams, Wayne Rooneys etc - just ask Sven and his England team, easy street - no pressure at all. Where was I last Saturday? Well I had a valuable job to do at Stamford Bridge - I'm trying to keep hold of our ten goal striker Jack. Chelsea are the only club who can afford him at the moment, and let me tell you we're struggling. His Grandad promised him five pounds for every goal he scored this season - so you can see the problem. That one match where he banged in five goals nearly cleared the account out. If you see Jack in goals this weekend then you know why? Well maybe not goals, because now we have people fighting to get between the posts. The Cat Cameron fancies his chances outside and Kristian has leapt - literally - at the chance to dive around the penalty area. This hasn't done his mother's nerves any good. Sarah is now unable to sleep the week leading up to the game, and has cured Damian's smoking habit by pinching his 20 Benson and Hedges to keep herself going! But at training on Monday Kristian looked the part - pulling off a save that Gordon Banks would have struggled with, especially the Gordon Banks after he had that car accident in the early 70's which left him without vision in one eye. Anyway, back to Kristian, what a save it was - but we won't mention (especially to Sarah) the goal he let in two minutes later when he tripped over his own shoelaces. Our dynamic defensive duo of Big George and The Giant James also looked strong in training. Big tackles, big kicks and, more importantly, they were facing the right way. Maybe because they were on opposite teams they were unable to chat to one another and compare Lego Bionicle notes or Spiderman stories - and for once they could focus on that round thing me and Eddie (like good fathers) keep telling them they should kick. So, after a good defensive display, I was a bit worried when George told me on the way home that he'd been a forward in training!!!! So on Saturday I might tell him he's up front for the other team and see what happens. He'll probably put in the greatest defensive display since Bobby Moore chaparoned the English team to victory in the 1966 World Cup. Well, probably not... Now what odds would you have got last year that Josh would score twice in one match? The bookies would have let you make the numbers up. Obviously he's stopped listening to his dad telling him all about the exploits of Reading FC and learnt what football is really about. And Henry, ah yes, Henry. The player who warms up by kicking and punching me black and blue is now the key to our defence but - like the French World War Two Maginot Line? Can look solid and unbeatable but, when no one's watching, the opposition slips around the sides and takes over. I sometimes feel more like a pantomine Dame than the so-called manager. I spend more time shouting 'BEHIND YOU!' on a Saturday afternoon than I do at the Boxing Day performance of Snow White at the Hexagon! And it was nice to know that Martin's voice was wrecked after the 1230 matinee from the Hurst Romans B team last week. So four matches, two wins, one draw and one - very controversial defeat - and I'm back for a couple of weeks. So next week you may have a news letter describing what happened in a match - instead of the ramblings of a madman. ADIOS
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