| Letter from the Touchline - 4th Jan 2005 | |||
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Well then team - Cameron, James, Henry, Josh, Nicholas, Edward and Kristian - hope you all had a good Xmas break and are ready to go again on Saturday. Yes, we kick-off again on Saturday at normal time (1230) and normal place (though it might be a different pitch). I know that you will have put your Xmas presents to one side and been out training every day. A run before breakfast, the gym before dinner and a couple of hours ball skills before tea. Who needs computer games, transformers etc... You'll all be pleased to know that despite the transfer window being open for the last few weeks I was refused funds from the committee to put in a bid for Wayne Rooney or Thierry Henry ... but I also realise behind every top club there's a great defender, Rio Ferdinand (Man Utd), Sol Campbell (Arsenal) and John Terry (Chelsea) - and we've got Henry and James so we should be OK! I also spent hours watching football on the TV - research of course, well that's what I told Liz. So I will be armed with blackboards, subbutteo players, videos, chewing gum and homework for the following few weeks.... And I think what our aim is during the next couple of matches is to get the ball in to the other half. After that into the opposite penalty area and then finally a GOAL. Anyway hope to see you on Saturday for more fun and frolics... and possibly Friday for training, if I can drag myself away from the TV. Jim | |||
| Letter from the Touchline - 11th Jan 2005 | |||
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What can I say - three matches, three defeats, no goals. The fans are looking for blood, the board aren't too happy and the first person everyone blames is the coach. The board actually issued a statement saying 'We are fully behind our coach and will continue to support him'. In the world of sport this usually means I'll be out by the end of the week. Still there doesn't seem to many coaches willing to jump in to what is surely one of the toughest jobs in football. Of course there's the usual suspects including Sir Bobby Robson, and I hear on the grapevine that Paul Gascoigne is looking to cut his teeth in the murky world of football management ... but just remember there's pressure then there's Hicks Development League pressure. Nothing, not the Premiership, La Liga, Serie A or the World Cup is quite like the atmosphere at 12-30 every Saturday afternoon. Anyway, back to last weekend ... and having spent the previous week on the phone to my old mate Sven, he had the idea we introduced a rotational squad system where every one gets a game. Sven has bored many an England fan with this system and thought that we might confuse the opposition so much they didn't know which way they were playing. Unfortunately England have a shirt for every player, and whereas we only have six, the actual playing time was reduced from 40 minutes to around 25 after all the substitutions caused massive delays due to shirt changing - and of course we also had to find Henry after he'd disappeared when we were about to bring him on. Still on the playing front it seemed to work as we nearly scored our first goal. Captain Edward actually managed to stay on the full 40 minutes as he looked the most likely to score. Whether from one of his impressive breaks from midfield or by getting us a penalty by fooling the referee with one of his impressive dives... Not since the days of Jurgen Klinsmann has a player looked so convincing when going down that he's got a broken leg, ankle, wrist and knee - all that the same time. Edward was close to man-of-the-match award for a non-stop (except, of course, for the shirt changing substitutions) running and tackling display. Kristian also looked sharp after his Xmas break and nearly bagged the team's first ever goal. Cameron was as good as ever in goals and was left no chance with both goals, one when our team suddenly fell asleep, and the other from a blistering 25-yard Beckham like free kick from that girl who is probably bigger and older than Beckham. Nicholas is a great addition, but he did leave me questioning myself whether me and the team were on the same wavelength... As for five minutes I explained to him how he was going to defend - only for him to run on the pitch, ignore what I said and go straight into attack ... the start of a player revolution I feel. James and Josh were as good as ever - well, after they managed to get onto the pitch with their shirt on and the right way around!! Also what a performance from 'Steady' Eddie Coe. Deadly accurate in charge of the stopwatch which informed us how long each player had spent on the pitch. Another candidate for man-of-the-match. Anyway to the point of this rambling nonsense. Subs - no not those U-boat things that used to roam the Atlantic - but fees for each match. Every week this is is now £4 - I know, can you really see Sir Alex Ferguson saying: "Hey Giggsy, where's yer four quid" after they have just won the Champions League. Still I think this helps pay for the £15 match fee we pay every week, the hire of the hall for training at Bulmershe and the fee for joining the league - anything left over will be paying for my psychiatry (how do you spell that) fees. Not really, it is put towards trophies, etc. You can pay this weekly - or as one lump sum - I'll let you know how many matches we have. I think theres ten!!
Anyway see you on Saturday and is Eric Cantona once said; "I don't know why but I love you all". | |||
| Letter from the Touchline - 20th Jan 2005 | |||
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After last Saturday's performance Ladbrokes are now taking bets on where our first goal will come from, at the moment it reads like:-
Never score 10/11 I think putting a £50 bet on Elvis Presley making a Las Vegas comeback is better value. However, Ladbrokes have said that later in the season they might change it form scoring the first goal to us getting a shot on target ... and you never know it might end up being who wins our first corner, then who will get the ball in to the other team's half. But if ever video evidence was needed in football then this was the match that proved it. Forget about Man Utd's dodgy goal at Tottenham - what about the third goal the referee gave their team last weekend. This was - without doubt (as I said to the press afterwards) - the goal that changed the whole pattern of the game. The ball had clearly gone out before they scored and even their manager was telling the referee it shouldn't have been allowed. 'But what can you do!' Well, that's exactly what I told the chairman as he dragged me in to his office first thing Monday morning screaming at me "8-0, 8-0, you call yourself a manager" Ok, we were 2-0 down at the time, but that was all under control ... so if you see me with a TV camera on Saturday then it's so I can in future present evidence to the FA. Anyway, back to the match. Poor old Cameron.. Not only was he too ill to go to school the previous day but he then had to drag himself out of his sick bed to oversee one of the greatest rearguard actions seen since John Wayne and Davy Crockett defended The Alamo. Even Michael Caine in Zulu had more chance than our intrepid goalkeeper. Where was our defence? There was tumbleweed blowing across the pitch where our centre halfs should have been! But as ever you have to look at the positives. We did start playing well when we were 7-0 down, we defend the near post at corners brilliantly (shame six of the team stand there), ... uhmm ... we all turned up and... Uhmm, well, we all enjoyed our Curly Wurly's after the match. So, as that great social observational rock group Yaz sang in the 80's 'The Only way is Up' and anyway, surely, we can't play as bad as that, surely. Please, surely, please ...
See ya all on Saturday, probably down Ladbrokes!!! | |||
| Letter from the Touchline - 22nd Jan 2005 | |||
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.... The sun was shining, the crowd was buzzing and we were back on our favourite pitch. The players looked sharp, adrenalin was pumping and shots rained in on goal - and then the warm up ended! There were a lot of questions to be answered. Could we bounce back from last week's 8-0 thrashing? Had a week's intensive training sorted out the defensive problems? Was there a Curly Wurly for everyone at the end of the match? ... And finally who was that new player in the Hurst line-up? The board, under intense fan pressure, had finally released funds for me to dabble in the transfer market. My team of scouts (cubs and even beavers) travelled the world looking for the right person ... and finally on E-Bay we found the perfect player, Jack... Was I looking for a tough-tackling, hard-man of midfield, a dazzling fleet-footed winger or even an over-lapping full back .... No, it was someone who could throw the ball as far, far away from our goal as possible - and Jack was that throw-in expert. Amazed that he signed (I didn't mention our recent run of results) we put on a great display for his debut. What a match! People talk about 'Total Football'. The Brazil team of 1970 (Pele, Jarzinho, Rivelinho), the 1974 Dutch team (Cruyff, Neeskens) and of course the Huddersfield Town team of the early 20's... And for a five-minute period during the second half Hurst conjured up images of those great teams in my mind... I did though snap out of this dream to see three Arborfield players bearing down on our goal with only Nicholas in the way. Did be flinch? Did he bottle the challenge? Oh no! He waited until he could see the whites of the attackers eyes before unleashing a man-of-the-match winning tackle. Gone had last week's tumbleweed. In its place were rocks, human shields, super heroes, X-Men, GALACTIOS! James was back to his Bobby Moore like best (no, not dead - but oozing confidence on and off the ball). While Henry uprooted anything and everything that went near him. In goal Cameron 'The Cat' prowled his penalty area and pounced on any loose ball. Captain Edward once again led from the front and created Hurst history by getting our first shot on target. The final whistle went - 0-0! Our first point (to go along with our first shot on goal) and the fans jubilation spewed over as they invaded the pitch... and as I said to the press afterwards:- "It's a funny old game because it only takes a second to score a goal. It's a game of two halves and we take each match as they come." Even the chairman didn't scream at me. Falling out out of his chauffeur driven Merc and weighed down by more bling bling than Mr T, he must have been happy because his first words were 'did you collect all the subs?" So everyone was happy - well everyone apart from Ladbrokes. Apparently eight lots of parents were seen early Saturday morning in the Wokingham branch putting life savings on Hurst not scoring. CID, MI5, the FBI. MFI and ELO were all round at my house Sunday morning: "Insider information? Match fixing?" Plod asked me. 'No just four previous Saturday lunchtimes stood on a cold touchline watching our forward line flapping around like cods out of water' I replied. Still, after that 0-0 result, as that great 80's social observational rock group Yaz once said ... (didn't I do that one last week). Jim Ps Having guided us to our first point I thought it would be a good time to rest my weekly dose of high blood pressure. So work (what I do in my spare time) have kindly sent me to Glasgow. Damian is in the hot seat. Good luck and as a good Jedi warrior would say 'May The Force Be With You.' | |||
| Letter from the Touchline - 29th Jan 2005 | |||
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As soon as I got off the plane from my weekend in Glasgow the first thing I had to do was go and see my assistant coach Damian. ... driving like a maniac I was there under the hour.... And let me tell you Rampton Maximum Security Hospital, Special Unit 13, is not a pleasant place late on Saturday night... not only that but poor old Damian.... Gone were those dark Mediterranean good looks and instead was a incoherent gibbering wreck in a straight jacket mumbling "... goalside ... offside ... defence ... No ... no..." and most disconcerting of all 'KILL BENTLEY' was scrawled all over the wall. I tried to explain about work sending me to Scotland, but when he started frothing at the mouth I thought it was time to leave. Hopefully Damian didn't see the Sunday papers which were linking me with a move north of the border. Just because we managed to get one point the weekend before has put my name in the picture for any job going. OK I was special guest at the Hamish McTavish Under Eight's match on Saturday morning - but just cos I was smoking cigars with their chairman, signing my name on an official looking document and shaking hands with the members of their board doesn't mean anything. The press these days are prone to jump on anything. If it's not me then it's Brad Pitt or Jude Law. But the press, like everyone else, seemed happy with Saturday's match - everyone agreeing there are signs of improvement out there. Even big boss Martin Rayner turned up to cast his watchful eye over proceedings. After offering his words of encouragement at the end though the true purpose of his visit came to light. The double agent was actually working out who he could pinch from our team to bolster up the numbers of his all conquering seven. So this Saturday our Captain Marvel Edward returns to duty in the 'A' team (never know if we're the blue or black team!!!). I know what your thinking ... and especially Jill. But yes his match fee stays at four pounds and no his wages don't go up. But don't expect chocolate and sweets after the match... ... Oh No!! ... It's bananas, oranges, Lucozade, homework and dubious substances that Ben Johnson's doctor prescribed. How else do you think Mitchell never stops running for forty minutes and William Neighbour scores five goals every game. All I can say is that it's a good job drug tests haven't been introduced yet in the Hicks Development League. Anyway, Edward will soon be running back to us. Who wants to win every match, how boring is that ... and another thing, success never brings you happiness. Just look at Manchester United and Arsenal... Never happy!!! Only the chairman ever have a smile on their faces... Well apart from ours who was left a bit upset after Damian only managed to collect one lot of subs on Saturday. Hopefully by the time Damian is released our big boss will have calmed down, called of the henchmen and the pit bull terriers ... and returned to Costa Del Sol and his secret gambling den. Talking of gambling it's a shame to see that James' family have been dragged in to that spiral of gambling decline. After their recent success at Ladbrokes they are now putting all their winnings in to Bingo on Friday night ... and not only that, but they're pulling James out of training to help them try and cash in ... but I suppose it's all part of the learning curve for life as a footballer. So if there's no subs from James on Saturday we'll know it was a bad night at the Bingo... ... And I know you're not interested as football rules... And nothing comes in the way of our Saturday get togethers ... but football doesn't stop for the next four weeks. No half-term holidays. Oh no, not for us dedicated few. But I know Sarah is looking to get Damian away for a couple of Saturdays as part of his recovery, so we'll be minus Kristian for those two weeks. If anyone else is trying to escape do let us know whenever. Anyway I heard we got a corner last week, it's surely time for a goal!! Just off to visit Damian - I'll pass on your best! Jim | |||
| Letter from the Touchline - 5th Feb 2005 | |||
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After last week's allegations that James' family were lost to gambling, and that the Hurst Blue team were flying high (in the league of course) on dodgy substances, I spent most of last week either in the lawyers office or fighting off unwanted paparazzi attention in Lodge Road. If many of you haven't seen the statement issued from Max Clifford on behalf of James' family then please read following attachment.
Even though on Saturday he did manage to stump up their £4 subs, it was noticeable that Eddie's diamond studded Rolex - which normally keeps immaculate time keeping for me to make my decisive substitutions - had disappeared and had been replaced by a £2.49 Milletts Mickey Mouse watch. According to said watch the first half lasted 11 minutes and we're still playing the second. .... And, I don't know if you saw Saturday's papers, but it was with dismay that I found out that James had dragged his defensive partner Henry to the previous night's Bingo's "HALL OF SHAME" (as the Sun's headline stated). So at the following day's match, and after a positive start when we came closer than ever to sticking one in the onion bag (or scoring a goal), it wasn't a surprise when the Theale forward line strolled through our dynamic defensive duo to smash two first half goals past 'The Cat' (Cameron). On the first occasion James and Henry were reading the Sporting Life and discussing the 2-15 at Wincanton, while the second saw the duo caught out as they were on their mobiles, putting a bet on how many points England were going to beat Wales by in that afternoon's rugby. Despite these distractions - and me giving them the Alex Ferguson hair dryer treatment at half-time and throwing the odd boot about - the Hurst side put in another improving performance. 'The Cat' made one of the saves of the season. Flying through the air to paw away a free-kick only for Theale to score a goal which somehow went in the goal off about 15 pairs of legs. If it was a pinball game Theale would have scored 15,235 points. New captain Kristian, spurred on by the fact that his dad was on day release from Rampton and cheering from the touchline, never stopped driving his team onwards... ... he also helped settle in our new player Herbie. (and if you think there will be any cheap gags about old VW cars then you are sadly mistaken. I'll leave those kind of bad jokes to Rodney Marsh and Ron Atkinson). But what a signing this boy will be! Oh yes! This was not even an e-bay bargain. Oh No! This involved quick negotiations, fast thinking and of course fast phone dialling skills after he was showcased on Price-Drop TV. How lucky was I to catch a sight of him. Having been working out team tactics with the help of the Fimbles and Tweenies on CBBC I was flicking through the intellectual channels on the Freeview box only to stumble across 'The Herbmeister'. Unfortunately as I'd never bought anything from the shopping channels before I ended up with an embroidered moleskin shirt from QVC, a non-stick sunflower bundit pan from Ideal World and a gold chain with a topaz and diamond pendant from BidUp-TV - before finally getting the right telephone number and the right catalogue number. He was sold to me as England's answer to their left hand side problems ... but after Saturday it looks like he'll be the answer to my centre-forward, left-back, right wing, sweeper, caretaker, groundsman and pie-selling problems. Our other new signing Jack is also coming along nicely. On Saturday he delivered a foul worthy of the Premiership - not since the days of Norman 'bite yer legs' Hunter has a player sliced through an opponent with such clinical efficiency. Even 'hit-man' Henry had to put the Racing Post down and applaud this Exocet of a tackle. In true managerial style I told the press that "I had seen nothing as I was looking the other way at the time." However, this didn't prevent some ugly scenes in the tunnel afterwards. There was no pizza being thrown around but plenty of chicken nuggets chips, crisps and James' 'animal' biscuits that he didn't have time to finish at half-time. Luckily James and Henry were not involved in this fracas - at the time they were been given a large black briefcase from a smart suited Japanese businessman, who our chairman introduced to me as Mr Big in the players lounge after the match. In fact our chairman seemed delighted with a 4-1 defeat and commented on how well James and Henry played. He was also pleased with the gold chain with topaz and diamond pendant that I gave him c/o BidUp-TV. We also mentioned over after-match drinks how we missed Edward. But I was told he had a good game for the Blue team and, after taking one of Martin's magic Smarties, covered the 60m pitch in less than six seconds and didn't fall over and cry once. ... and of course all references to drug taking and gambling is accurate information - as you would expect from a BBC journalist... and even though the Government have called for Lord Hutton to hold an enquiry, I can tell you my source is reliable, I took accurate notes, it was fairly reported. And anyway, my Director-General and Chairman are right behind me - and the BBC governors aren't going to sack them. Are they? See you Friday - or Saturday! | |||
| Letter from the Touchline - 12th Feb 2005 | |||
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May 29th, 1953 - first man on top of Everest What a few days! Ever since Kristian smashed home our first goal it's been a non-stop whirlwind of social engagements.... Award shows, chat shows, taking the kids down Dinton Pastures and obviously doing the weekly shopping at Sainsbury's. Ellen McArthur move over. This is someone who took 71 days, 18 hours, 14 minutes and 33 seconds to sail the world - well it only took us 69 days, 32 minutes and 12 seconds to score a goal in Division Four of the Hurst Development League. She may have encountered whales on the way but we had to contend with Jordan's dad. She may talk about being alone when facing gale force winds and mountainous waves - but has she has never encountered the loneliness of the long suffering under eight manager stood freezing on the touchline of pitch C. ... and all she ever did was whinge. She knew what she was getting in for - not me! Plus she had the might of B and Q behind her. They might be a company who can get a boat 27354 miles around the World's seas in 72 days but they still can't get the kitchen units I ordered 96 days ago to my house, from a warehouse only 13 miles away! CV Construction could have made and fitted them in that time - and given every one a fleece as well!!!
But this was one of those days that puts the Great in to Britain.
Shakespeare, Nelson, Churchill, Richard and Judy, Prince Harry - and now
Kristian and the magnificent Hurst Seven. You only had to read
the following day's headlines to see the impact this victory had made:- Match of the Day admitted they messed up by not sending any cameras to the game while Sven was on the phone to me straight after the match. Obviously he was trying to offer congratulations - but he was disguising the fact that his job is now under serious threat. "How had I turned it around?" Sven desperately asked. I told him in my usual straightforward, no-nonsense, down-to-earth Northern manner, how I'd liberated the feelings of the team from our usual detailed and devotional Gothic style - and moving into a more post-impressionism period, relying on a more abstract and emotional approach...
... And how it worked. This was poetry in motion, this was ART!! The crowd couldn't believe it. Not since the opening of a new IKEA store has there been such excitement, such scenes of chaos, as the team were chaired off the pitch. ... even the chairman was moved to tears, despite him walking off mumbling something about ... "all my money on us not scoring a goal all season", while James and Henry sheepishly shuffled away with a pocketful of chocolate mini-eggs! No more searching the e-bay website or the Price-Drop TV screen. We found a winning formula... Even though there was never any doubts... Because as Francis Bacon (was he another sailor, or was he a weather reader, or a philosopher) once said: "If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts: but if he will be content to begin with doubt, he shall end in certainties." Or as Jim Bentley would say: "GET IN YOU BEAUTY!" | |||
| Letter from the Touchline - 25th Apr 2005 | |||
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Guess who's back! Can you believe that work has got in the way of the Hurst Romans newsletter - I can't ... But what a week to start it up again ... another win. It could get boring this winning lark - 1-0 and only the second match of the new season. But after our the previous week, when we'd lost a hard fought battle 5-2 against a top team (and it should have been closer if we hadn't gone to sleep for our usual five minutes) I knew there was more to come. So before the match, I gathered the players around me, looked in to their eyes and was about to give them a Churchillian speech - when I changed my mind and thought of that other great war hero Brad Pitt, sorry Achilles, when he was about to storm the beaches of Troy. "My brothers of the sword. I'd rather play besides you than any team of the Premiership. Let no men forget how menacing we are ... We are LIONS! You know what's there, waiting, beyond pitch six ... Immortality. Take it. It's yours" When I looked back up they'd all gone except for George rolling his eyes and tutting: "Dad, what the hell are you talking about." But we were Lions with James the cock of the Pride. Literally. I had no hesitation in handing him the Man of the Match award - what with his confident swagger, his dazzling footwork, cocky chat, and that was before he'd even kicked a ball. The way he sidled up to the opposing centre-forward (who was a girl before you homophobic's start ringing the Vatican up) was sensational. He had her eating out of his palm. At half-time he had her phone number and it seemed game, set and a 'love' match. Dad Eddie was already on the phone talking to Louise about weddings, honeymoons and one less mouth to feed... But then something seemed to happen in that five minute break. A definite cooling off period and in the second-half eye contact was avoided. Her manager was obviously worried about the centre-half stud's tactics to shut her out of the game - and, worryingly, the Lodge Road, lothario, was left to concentrate on his football. ... But 'The Stud' - as he's now known in the team - was in dynamic form alongside his ex-gambling partner Henry 'The Hit-Man'. Nothing got past these two - well, obviously, as the score was 1-0 - but 'never, never, in the field of football has so much defending been owed to these two'. New keeper William - taking over from Cameron 'The Cat' - didn't know what had happened. One week ago he was under a siege no one had seen since Peter O'Toole and Orlando Bloom were left hiding behind the Walls of Troy - this week it was three touches of the ball. Wills spent most of the first half at the back playing gooseberry with The Stud and his babe. And where was that five-minute period of the game when our team goes to sleep. I couldn't believe it. This is something we spend hours on the training field perfecting. But it never happened... There we all were waiting for that Acme 'Rip Van Winkle Sleeping Dust' to be sprinkled over the team - and before we knew it the final whistle had blown. It was an inspired performance. Even George, never one to get his knees dirty, just gets better and better at what he does best - which is trying to avoid touching the ball. But something went wrong on Saturday and somehow this week he managed to get in the way and tackle someone. His Granddad couldn't believe his luck in the first match he'd ever seen him play. In fact the crowd couldn't take their eyes off the match - well apart from those parents who had players in the Under Six team who were playing on the next pitch... And the folks whose umbrellas were getting in the way. Was this really the team who went (I think it was) eight matches before notching up their first win last season? Fit again Kristian never stopped chasing the ball - and if Henry's not careful will be taking over 'The Hit-Man's' role. Twice the Mediterranean (is that how you spell it?) blood boiled over and like Hector on the beach of Troy showed no mercy to his opponents. Confidence is oozing out of Jack after his goal last week and - if he wasn't up front - would have been challenging James for the affection of Woodley's Centre-forward... and once Josh was unleashed up front on his seasonal debut he looked like a man possessed. The warmer weather meant he wasn't burdened with eight layers of clothing and means he can now move. Anyone else - oh yes, there was Mitchell, making his full debut for the team. He wasn't bad. Scored a goal (His second in consecutive weeks making him the team's top scorer in just 50 minutes of action) hit a post, hit the crossbar, lots of running, passing, tackling, shooting, heading, etc, etc, etc... And now he's lived our team's passion I think there'll be a fall out with his dad, as he'll never want to go back to the other team ... especially after he tasted the candy sticks that were dished out after the game. So the Chairman was happy. Especially as Sandra was on top form and didn't let anyone get away without paying their subs - even though I'd tried to run off with Josh's fiver I had been given the night before. Luckily the press didn't get hold of this and were happy with: "It's all about getting the ball in the onion bag" quote... and even though there's some unsavoury journalist types digging in to my Swiss bank expense account I can honestly say nothing will be found ... ... and just to let you know I'm off this weekend. Amazingly enough I saved enough money throughout last season to book a weekend away with family and friends in my Monte Carlo pad. So good luck and see you all later and remember when you look at the team - think of what my mate Achilles said: "They are the fiercest men in the whole of Hurst - they have bled for me" PS. This week's competition is: what film has George made me watch recently:-
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