COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU'RE HARD ENOUGH!
After our stunning 3-2 victory on Saturday the Hurst tabloids and gutter press have been very quiet ... did I feel pressure on the touchline? Of course not ... I laugh in the face of pressure and afterwards, as ever, I never like to gloat about my success.
But tactically and psychologically I got it just right - and to be honest - the difference between the two teams at the weekend, as I told the chairman and the board, was ME!
The blueprint to victory was drawn up in front of the TV the morning before the match - with Dick and Dom's 'Creamy Muck Muck' the closest thing I've seen to resembling the Hurst Romans B team.
So pre-match we were fired up - well, the five players who made it on time were. Many managers would have been thrown by being two players short, two minutes before kick-off ... but not this one. That was because I was more concerned that our match was due to take place on Pitch D - which is right next door to the skateboard park. ... and our defensive unit of George, Henry and James had been drawn to the glamour of the half-pipe rather than clearing the ball away from our 18-yard-line.
So while I went hunting for our lost looking hot shot Jack, who many thought was spending a weekend on Roman Abromovich's yacht in Monte Carlo - able assistant Eddie dragged the defence back on to the pitch, with more kicking and screaming than they normally produce in 40' of football.
First team star James R made his debut for the team - 20 minutes earlier than expected - after Josh slept off a hangover as he believed there was a weekend off. He ambitiously thought many of our team were on international duty that afternoon.
... and how James relished his opportunity to freely roam around the manicured lawns of Sol Joel... though he did surprise me when 10 minutes in to the match he asked me: 'What position am I supposed to be playing in?'
Positions???!!! This - as we all know - is an organic team. It grows and develops on it's own. It's Total Chaos (.. Sorry I meant Total Football) - not the well-oiled terminator of a team that is run by seargant-major Rayner and his management henchmen.
In fact the 'A' team management (not like bucket and sponge Bentley) sent over a delegation over to watch on Saturday. Their "director of football" Nigel Neighbour was joined by "performance manager" Brian Robinson (or Barry Richardson as I was left calling him in during the excitement) - and they were left gob smacked at the entertainment provided... but then again the Hicks Development League top tiers have been compared to the Premiership in recent weeks for it's lack of drama, the win at all cost mantra and the stifling of individual talent.
Not so for our heroes, who were quickly 2-0 up. A first time finish from Kristian and number eleven of the season from Jack put us in command early on... and opponents Woodley Saints were on the ropes...
Just the time to use my secret weapon William N. The star striker from the A team was flaunted up and down the touchline to mentally destroy their team. Woodley were left wobbling as they believed we must have an awesome team to leave such talent on the bench .... In the second half they again crumbled as they waited, nervoulsy, for him to appear on the pitch. Which he never did...
Genius, pure genius - and our three goals could have been many more if they hadn't put on the widest goalkeeper in the League. So to pot the ball past him, and in to the back of the net, you would have needed to be Ronnie O'Sullivan.
'The Big H' Henry bowed out of the game late in the second-half in true gladitoral fashion (or true Henry style) by taking two of their players out for the price of a dead leg.
Off he limped to thunderous applause. But by that time 'Giant' James C had taken hold of the game by the scruff of the neck with nothing getting past him.
Keeping well away from 'Big' George, who had resorted to sitting down and talking to himself about his latest Bionicle, young James put in the perforamnce of his career, leaving father Eddie pleading to 'A' team management about a transfer away from the skateboard park madness of the 'B' team.
The Cat Cameron's chin was scraping on the ground after letting in a goal in the first-half but - after getting rid of the gloves for the second twenty minutes - his head was soon in the clouds as he hunted and harrassed the Woodley Saints.
Luckily St John's Ambulance were close at hand after Kristian swapped goalkeeping duties with Cameron. Sarah and Kristian's grand parents were left sucking on an oxygen mask every time the ball popped in to the Hurst half. But the young Maltese flyer had it all under control - apart from his goal kicks where anything goes, well anything apart from the ball in the direction he's aiming at.
So the day ended with another three points and another tenner in the back pocket of Jack - his second goal of the match coming after Josh had played him in with a lovely through ball. James C picked up man-of-the-match, which left George walking round talking to invisible bionicles. Kristian's family were left on medication while Josh's parents are investing in a new alarm clock. Henry's hard man persona was kept intact while at the same time managing, at last, to get his wish of being subbed. Cameron was last seen giving me grief about not getting the man-of -the-match after winning it every week last season, and James R from the 'A' team knew he'd taken a huge step forward in his footballing career.
And finally, but by no means least, the harsh criticisms of my undoubted management skills had once again been answered. Let me tell you - there can be hard training, cajoling, bullying, nurturing, shouting, encouraging, crying, lecturing and loads more - but telling the team there's no candy sticks if they lose is the only thing that really works.
ADIOS
